After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury’s. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury’s…
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are “documented by our video
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ’ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
One of the Staff passed out.
Potterheads wake up from their nap in front of their common room’s fireplace with a half finished potions essay in front of them.
Whovians are woken up jolted from the captains seat while the TARDIS spins out of control and the Doctor flipping over the TARDIS controls.
Supernatural fans wake up on Bobby’s couch. Dean, Sam and Bobby just got news about a hunt and are about to call Cas for assistance.
Fringe fans wake up to tell Walter, Olivia and Peter about their experiences in the alternate reality.
Hangover fans wake up to find themselves in a completely fucked up situation in a trashed hotel room.
Gleeks wake up to find themselves sleeping in spanish class while Mr Shue drones on in spanish.
Torchwood fans wake up in the hub because of the loud make out session that Jack is having with Ianto in his office.
True Blood fans wake up buried underground, thirsting for blood.
Percy Jackson fans wake up to a new day of Demigod activities at Camp Half Blood.
The Hunger Games fans wake up… in the Hunger Games. The gamekeepers decided to fuck with them.
Pretty Little Liars fans wake up to the sound of a text message from A.
Gossip Girl fans wake up to Chuck, Dan and Nate in their bed. Oh yeaaaaaa.
Aiden Grimshaw fans wake up to being presidents of the Awesome People Party~
lord of the rings fans wake up in the shire on bilbo’s birthday and steal gandalf’s fireworks with merry and pippin.
trekkies wake up aboard the enterprise, preparing for alpha shift, tugging their respective tunics over their heads.
the legend of zelda fans wake up in hyrule, taking a break from their quest to sleep beneath a tree with epona.
psych fans wake up in the psych headquarters, wondering where their pineapple went.
the pacific fans wake up on peleliu. they’re surely fucked now.
buffy the vampire slayer fans wake up in the magic box before a hunt with buffy.
bioshock fans wake up in rapture, lying next to a splicer with a big daddy approaching.
Inception fans oh wait
X-Men fans wake up and realize they’re five minutes late to Professor X’s lecture on genetics.
Sherlock fans wake up on the couch at 221B Baker Street to Sherlock saying “obviously” and John cooking breakfast.
Starkid fans wake up on a distant planet surrounded by bugs… grody. Or maybe they wake up in Joey Richter’s bed.
it’s not like anyone would complain
Portal fans wake up in the Enrichment Centre to Wheatley telling them they might have a minor case of eh… serious brain damage.
Avatar: TLA fans wake up to the yells of the Gaang, saying they have to get up and hop on Appa since those dangerous ladies are chasing them again.
Fullmetal Alchemist fans wake up… because someone said ‘short’ in Edward Elric’s presence. And fuck, sleeping is kinda hard with a shrimp of an alchemist yelling “WHO DID YOU CALL A PIPSQUEAK SO SMALL YOU WOULDN’T SEE HIM WITH A MICROSCOPE?!”
Sanctuary Fans wake up to an abnormal loose in the Sanctaury and Helen Magnus handing you a stun gun.
Stargate Fans wake up to the sound of an unscheduled off world activation and Teal’c handing you a zat.
Once Upon a Time Fans wake up with a vague sense of confusion, but then happiness builds up in their hearts as they look down at themselves and see they are a storybook character and the Curse has been broken at last.
Pirates of the Caribbean Fans wake up marooned on a desert island, head banging from the after effects of rum and too much sun, next to a highly annoyed Captain Jack Sparrow, watching the Black Pearl sail away under Barbossa’s command again.
Avengers fans wake up to another day fighting crime and protecting the city with the avengers.
You gotta love the doctor!